Driving the Sith Bonkers!
by laureas
Summary: When T'Arath has had enough and decides to get radical, chaos is the name of the day. Especially when she decides to do her own list on bugging Palpatine. Crack-fic. Don't say we didn't warn you!
1. The all important list

**Summery: When T'Arath has had enough and decides to get radical, chaos is the name of the day. Especially when she decides to do her own list on bugging Palpatine. Crack-fic. Don't say we didn't warn you!**

Driving the Sith...bonkers

Chapter One: The all important list.

T'Arath of Vulcan, Fleet Commodore of Genesis was beyond frustrated. And livid.

Now frustration was nothing new to the young woman as she'd never been a patient person, but her level of annoyance had finally been surpassed. As a Quasi-Dimensional and a Gate-Master, she should have been able to handle the flack of Neo-Armaggedon. However it seemed that once again her arch-nemesis Desiree, was at least one step ahead of her. And her new allies from the 'Wars' alternate just seemed to have the Commodore's number.

"I gotta get radical here. If I keep letting Dirty D set the rules, I'm just setting myself up! But what can I do?" T'Arath said to herself with a sigh. It's that darn idiot Palpatine. Looks like someone who drank a bad batch of Kickapoo Joy-juice and didn't get properly turned to stone. Huh, Pelpyfied! That fits," she muttered softly. The last thing she wanted to do was disturb her son's sleep. After Sidious' latest attack against Anakin, he needed all the sleep he could get! *Hell hath no fury like that of a mother defending her child!* T'Arath thought angrily.

She decided to get on the internet and call up some of her favorite authors just to relax. *If I don't calm down, Ani will feel it and wake up. I don't want that blast it.* she thought sourly. So she scrolled down the list of authors hoping to find a story to take her mind off things. Some of her favorite authors or authoresses where quite creative in the genre of 'crack-fic' and T'Arath smiled, remembering fondly the Chief's creative ability to Visualize the Multiverse and Genesis in particular. Mad antics were usually the order of the day.

It was an ability that she shared although to a lesser degree. And skimming down the list of some of the crazier stories, a idea began forming. The problem was Gate-Space and the fact that Desiree and her ilk seemed to be calling the shots. But they couldn't do that if T'Arath used her Visualizer ability and her ability as a Gate-Master. It was like a light-bulb going off and she quickly called up her writing program and got to work, giggling hysterically at the insanely radical solution. "Madness in my method and method in my madness as the Chief would say, " she said to herself.

She was so involved in the set up that she failed to notice Anakin waking up from his nap. So she was quite startled to hear her son's voice over her shoulder. "What are you up to, Mom?" he asked. "Great Matrix! Anakin, make some effing noise next time! I almost jumped outta my skin there," she snapped as she looked up over her shoulder. Her son looked hurt at her tone. "I thought you knew I was awake. Other wise I would have given you a 'heads-up'." T'Arath sighed as she gestured to the laputron. "Been a bit busy as you can see, Ani. Actually, " she paused and a huge smile split her face. "I'm glad you're up. I think you're going to like this, even though it will be your younger self getting in the middle of this one."

Anakin looked at what she had written already, and she felt his mirth even before he finally cracked up and laughed. Hard. "You've got to be kidding me, Mom. It's crazy!" T'Arath gave her customary snort of a chuckle and raised her eyebrow. "And? So? Your point?" Anakin looked back at her and smirked. "And I love it!" T'Arath just smiled at that. "Nasty, evil, rotten, and those are my good points on a payback like this. I'm going to stop at 40 for the first part of the list and then drop them in as chapters. I'll work on Part II while I'm doing that." Anakin just shook his head. "If you think it will give my so-called 'master' pause, then I'm all for it!"

"So here's part I of my list so far." she told him.

**The Ultimate List for driving Sith bat-slag crazy**

**Special attention to Palpatine BKA - Palpypus, Lord Sidifoo, Dumperor Palpacrud, Pelpyfied**

**Also includes - Count Dooku - BKA - Count Doobie, Darth Maul - BKA - Dumb Munch, and General Grievous - BKA - Grunty**

**Part One -**

**1.) Make Palpy's Sith Lighting turn into static which shocks him every time he uses it.**

**2.) Get a copy of Vader's respirator sound and make it come from Palpy.**

**3.) Instead of bowing/kneeling, have everyone burp in his face.**

**4.) Tie-Dye his Sith Cloak**

**5.) Make every command he makes come out in Huttese, with a curse at the end.**

**6.) Every time he says 'Everything is going to plan' have him trip, burp, stumble into a wall, etc.**

**7.) Remind him that Anakin's unpredictability always ended up messing up his plans, and then show him examples.**

**8.) Make his Sith Lighting into pink confetti.**

**9.) trying to Force Choke someone only ends up with him tickling himself.**

**10.) change his saber into a silly string shooter.**

**11.) Have a bunch of battle droids follow him around and say 'Roger Roger' after every other word.**

**12.) Change a group of battle droids into Jar-Jar droids. (As much as I dislike Binks, he doesn't deserve to have to put up with Palpy.)**

**13.) Let the 'Sith Lords Rule' Fan girls on board.**

**14.) Put a Freddy Kruger mask on him that he can't take off and tell him it's an improvement.**

**15.) Turn his refresher into a Gamorean Mud Bath.**

**16.) Have Anakin take off his Vader helmet when Palpy doesn't notice and then say, "Remember me?"**

**17.) Every time he uses the comm, have it say 'Sorry, wrong number.'**

**18.) Have him listen to The Barney Theme Song whenever he tries to sleep or meditate.**

**19.) Make him look like the cutest little black kitten ever, (Better warn Leia or she'll cream you) and then have him get cuddled like crazy.**

**20.) Tie in to 19 - Causally mention that black cats are bad luck and then have a number of 'bad things' happen on board. (Definitely tell Anakin ahead of time because the Executor is 'his' ship.)**

**21.)Every time he tries to use the Dark Side have fireworks go off behind him and say, 'Whoops, that's not suppose to happen is it?'**

**22.)Tell him you know the ultimate power. When he asks you, tell him it's the giggles (and not his mad cackle)**

**23.)Make his every move have a rude noise accompany it.**

**24.)Lock him in a room with Doobie, Munch, and Grunty (No weapons please!) and the only way out is to cooperate.**

**25.) Put water balloons every where he sits/sleeps**

**26.) Every time he speaks of the Dark Side, have his mouth get rinsed with soap. (After all, that's a dirty phrase, right?)**

**27.) Every time someone is suppose to agree with him, instead of saying 'Yes, my Lord' they say something like 'Bite Me!'**

**28.) Make random sloop buckets show up and dump on him at unpredictable moments.**

**29.) Have him watch a marathon of the most obnoxious kiddie shows out there, (Barney, Teletubbies, Veggie Tales, and old school Care Bears and Smurfs for good measure.)**

**30.) Make his favorite cushion a tickle me Elmo doll**

**31.) When he Force-Pushes something, have it come right back at him as if he was a magnet.**

**32.) Have Elmo ride on his back like Yoda did with Luke in ESB.**

**33.) Slather a super hair-grow gel on his face. (Let's hope the beard and mustache aren't too horrid. Course he might end up tripping on the beard.. *Snicker*)  
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**34.) Every time he says something about giving into to the Dark Side, give him a head-slap!**

**35.) Put him on a Rebellion shuttle (with no comm) with Vader(Anakin) at the controls and have them get on board the Executor under heavy fire. (Let's see how strong his stomach is. Fancy Flying-Boo-ya!)**

**36.) Force Suggest him into doing the 'Chicken' every time the 'Chicken song plays. **

**37.) Have the crazy Sinatra penguin follow him everywhere singing 'Doobie Doobie Do'**

**38.) Every piece of equipment he touches breaks and only Vader(Anakin) can fix it. (Better warn Ani about this one too.)**

**39.) Reprogram battle droids to renovate his quarters. **

**40.) Pop up randomly and yell "Whazzup, Wazzupa?" **

"And that's why I don't like getting on your bad side, mom, " Anakin said finally as he wiped the laugh tears from his face. "And you know where you get your twisted sense of fun from," T'Arath added. She grinned and rubbed her hands together. "Time to implement this sucker! Pelpyfied is gonna wish he'd never, ever, met you." Anakin just shook his head. "What I don't get is where you learned all of this. Not from the Crack-Fics surely.""Ani, when you've got a demented identical twin who likes to 'one-up' you every chance she gets, you usually learn how to conduct a prank-war very fast." T'Arath told her son.

"And T'Conn and I can cause real havoc when we're trying to out do each other. So Sidifoo's really gonna be in for it."


	2. Setting the tone

**Summery: When T'Arath has had enough and decides to get radical, chaos is the name of the day. Especially when she decides to do her own list on bugging Palpatine. Crack-fic. Don't say we didn't warn you!**

**This one is for james78 who asked for Palpatine not to realize what was going on.. I put my own twist on that. Hope you like! And as always Jedi Master Misty Sman-Esay whose support with my 'Hubris' series has kept me going. **

Disclaimer - I neither own copyright or receive money for anything. I write to improve my ability and for enjoyment.

_**telepathy**_

***thoughts***

**^comm^**

**Driving the Sith Bonkers**

**Chapter Two - Setting the tone**

T'Arath stood calmly in the center of a Gate-Space bubble, soaking up the ambiance of all three KI powers. The swirling colors represented one of each. Silver for Magic, Blue for Logic, and Green for the Force. In the 'Wars' alternate, the Force represented itself in blue, but that was because of the alternate's unique composition. Being in Gate-Space was relaxing for the Commodore and enabled her to focus to a unusual degree.

*Okay, targeted time is when Vader's come back as Anakin and about to grab Pelpyfied to throw him down the shaft. First order of business is to undo the damage to Luke. Second order is to get the good guys together so we don't have too many fireworks. And deal with Ani's usual guilt trip, ugh!* T'Arath thought with a sigh. As for Vader/Anakin recognizing her as Shmi, T'Arath wasn't too worried. After all her presence in the Force was still the same, although greatly increased.

'There is no such thing as time travel' was the saying in Genesis. And that was mostly true. Yet the reason most members of Genesis had to be able to cope with just about anything was the regularity of 'exceptions'. Gate-Space was one of the two exceptions. But it didn't work like many people believed 'time-travel' should work. *Welp, let's see here. Once I've got this set up, which one should I do first?* She checked over the copy of the list and her eyes lit on #23 - 'Rude noises'. *Perfect. And to make things even more fun, I'll make sure he doesn't realize why they're laughing at him until he gets angry. Then he'll find out. Better combine it with either #8 - Pink confetti or #1 - Static shock.* T'Arath tapped her foot and then smirked much like her son would. "Number 1 it is. After all, this is payback!"

-

Palpatine found himself waking in the VIP cabin reserved for his use on his rare visits to the Executor. He frown as his last memory was of a sudden surge of the Light Side of the Force. It has caught him off guard for he'd been relishing in the torment of young Skywalker. The fool boy had proclaimed himself a Jedi. He sat up, disregarding the resounding, 'phaaaattttt!' that accompanied the move. What caught his eyes immediately was the view outside the view panels in his night room. Instead of the star lit darkness of space or the whirling blue of hyper space, the Executor seemed to be flying in a multicolored nebula.

The emperor frowned and got up from the bed. The resulting noises he made as he did so seemed not to bother him as he could not hear them, yet. But they were being recorded. 'Baaaantt, Pheeeraap, Swwaaaaaaash, Aaaaapp!' Throughout the ship, the rude sounds echoed, except for in Sidious' cabin. And Imperials everywhere were having a heck of a time keeping a straight face. Many officers were unable to do so and some had collapsed laughing in various places. The Storm Troopers were lucky in that their helmets kept their superiors from seeing the smirks.

Palpatine emerged from the cabin, each slow step accompanied by a squishing sound. It sounded like he was walking with a full pair of briefs and hadn't noticed. The Royal Guards were nowhere to be seen and he was getting quite annoyed. He sensed that Vader was on the bridge and decided to confront his wayward apprentice head on. The squishing sounds continued as he made his slow way to the lifts. Passing officers and Troopers alike, he frowned as they bowed low to him. They were laughing at him!

*They dare mock their emperor! I will find out what this madness is and then I will make certain every fool on this ship remembers I am their master!* was the sour thought in his mind. For each person he past, he felt a spike of amusement. Either they heard a 'phaaaaatt' or an 'urrrrrppp' sound along with a squishy sound. He reached the elevator and stepped inside. As the doors closed he could hear the laughter start in the hallway.

By the time he got to the bridge, Palpatine was all but ready to zap the first fool who crossed his path. Admiral Piett was standing by his commanding officer when the elevator doors opened. And the resulting 'Phaaaurrp' announced the emperor's presence. Piett kept his face straight, but was piratically laughing himself sick in his own mind. Not even Darth Vader's intimidating presence could keep some of the bridge crew from finally cracking up at the noises.

With as much dignity as he could muster, Palpatine made his slow way over to his apprentice, who stood at the view port, arms folded. Every step Palpatine took sounded like he had a very bad case of gas. It was more then most could take and snickers rose on all sides. The emperor was more then outraged at this newest slight. Why wasn't Vader doing anything about this insane 'amusement' at his expense. Once Sidious had nearly reached him, Vader turned to face his 'master'. But he did not go to his knees as was expected.

"Lord Vader!" was what Palpatine wanted to say. However what came out was a loud and noxious, 'Uuuurrrraaaapp!' This time not even he could miss it. And that finally did it for Piett and the rest of the crew. The bridge rang with their laughter. And even Vader had the audacity to join in by the way his shoulders were shaking. Palpatine felt his face go red and he raised his hands to punish them all with Sith lighting. Even as his fingers crackled with the gathering dark power, he started to shake.

Instead of unleashing it on his rebellious apprentice, it stayed in his system and he jerked as if he was getting several strong static shocks every minute. He released the power, then tried to gather it again. 'Zziiittt, Zzziiittt! Zzzzzittt!' Again he was shocked by his own lighting, at a tiny fraction of it's true power. He tried a third time and this time kept it up until he actually passed out.

As he fell bonelessly to the floor, the resulting racket of foul noises set the bridge ringing in laughter again. 'PHAATTRRRUOPPPPK PRRRIISSSSSSST URRRPPPPPAAANNGGG!'

"Have someone take him to medical and then return him to his quarters," Vader told Piett as he swept passed his 'master' and towards the elevator. "Right away my lord," Piett answered, his eyes twinkling. Right now they were keeping appearances, but Piett was in on the secret. It wasn't long before 'Vader' reached the new 'lounge' on board the Executor. As he ducked through the doors he started to pull off his mask, revealing the face of Anakin Skywalker, tears of laughter running down his face!

The Rebels and the three Jedi that were now staying in this area looked up as Anakin came to join them. Luke got up to greet his father with something of a grin on his face. "That was, interesting. I still feel a little uncomfortable about this though," Luke told him. "What, that revenge is not the way of the Jedi?" his father asked. "Well, basically yes." Luke answered back. That got a snort from the central figure who had been talking earnestly to Obi-wan, Qui-Gon and Yoda. "Phfft! Luke, my dear grandson. This isn't revenge, this is about freaking Pelpyfied out. And payback, but that's only secondary. What we'd call back in my home alternate 'putting the fear of God' into ol' Sidifoo." T'Arath said. 

"And we're just getting started."


	3. And how strong is your stomach?

**Summery: When T'Arath has had enough and decides to get radical, chaos is the name of the day. Especially when she decides to do her own list on bugging Palpatine. Crack-fic. Don't say we didn't warn you!**

Disclaimer - I neither own copyright or receive money for anything. I write to improve my ability and for enjoyment.

_**telepathy**_

***thoughts***

**^comm^**

**Driving the Sith...bonkers**

**Chapter 3: And how strong is **_**your**_** stomach?**

Anakin stood next to his mother, 'Vader' mask under his arm. "Tell me again how this WATCH thing works, if you would?"

T'Arath shrugged with a small smile tugging at her mouth. "Usually a WATCH allows a group of people from one Space/Time connection to see another Space/Time connection. However if one of the Gate Masters is in a WATCH with a certain group, they can pick and choose what Space/Time connection that group sees. What I'm doing is a deviation from the norm." She took a breath then continued

"There's usually no action in Gate-Space within a WATCH. But since this one does have action, I can focus the KI powers of Gate-Space to create a mini-WATCH. It's like having a holovid made of the Force, undetectable by even Jedi or Sith."She smirked as she focused the KI necessary to make the mini-WATCH. A large swirling globe of KI colors rose in the center of the room, in front of a circle of couches and recliners. "Okay folks, time for Palpypus to wakey-wakey."

The Rebels sat down. Luke chose a couch by his father and grandmother, with Kenobi joining him. "What's on the the list this time your grand-worship?" Han asked from across the the way from her. "Well his alarm's going to be #18 - 'I love you' which should really get his goat. To the point that he's actually gonna have to go off the ship to meditate." She chuckled and then added," Which means he's going to experience #35 - 'Fancy Flying'. With my dear son at the controls."

Obi-wan shuddered at that. "I think I could almost sympathize with him on that. Almost." Anakin turned to glare at his former master and brother-in-Jedi. "My 'fancy flying' has saved both our skins more times then I can count, Master," Anakin grumbled in mock-offense. "And made us crash more times then I can count," Kenobi shot back. T'Arath bit back a laugh and said, "Alright boys, save the teasing love-fest for later. We've got a Dumperor to freak!"

After coming to in the medical bay, Palpatine took his outrage out on the nearest item available. Which happened to be the MediDroid. It was sour satisfaction to see that his main Offensive Force ability was back to normal. He knew he was still able to fight with his light-saber, but preferred to throw his enemies off-balance with the strength of his Sith-lighting. Whatever was going on was a mystery to him, one he had not foreseen. Still the doctor was bold enough to request that he not engage in strenuous activity until he'd completed a normal rest period.

After considering for a few seconds whether to have the fool tortured for his impudence, Palpatine decided that the doctor 'might' have a point. So he returned to his cabin under his own power. That the Crimson Guards were now here also made his progress much easier. The sheer wave of terror that was broadcast as the procession made it's slow way to his quarters was invigorating. He settled into his 'throne' comfortably and started balefully out the window at the glowing nebula, until he nodded off.

So when the obnoxiously loud singing of a man rang out, he nearly tumbled right out of the throne. It kept repeating the sicking lyrics over and over. "I love you, you love me...I love you, you love me." Over and over it repeated, in the most annoyingly childish voice imaginable! "ENOUNGHH!" The emperor screamed. Mercifully, the blasted singing stopped. Palpatine snarled and punched a button that connected him holographically to the bridge. "Admiral, who was the imbecile that wired the morning alarm in my quarters?" The emperor inquired in a dangerous voice.

Piett looked up from his spot by the controls and nervously swallowed. "The officer in question was 'dispatched' by Lord Vader, my emperor." Palpatine frowned but felt no deceit coming from him. "Very well. Have Lord Vader report to me at once." He hit the switch before Piett could reply and turned the throne back to contemplation of the swirl in front of him. He settled back and began to meditate. For about thirty seconds... "I love you, you love me... I love you, you love me... I love you, you love me."

When Vader finally entered the room, it was still smoking from the emperor's wrath. Wires hung sparking from certain spots and there were char marks all over the place. As was customary, Vader went to one knee and bowed his helmet. "What is thy bidding, my master." The emperor glared at him as if he was an insect for a minute. "We will go to the bridge, my 'apprentice'." he finally snarled.

Upon reaching the bridge, Palpatine went to the view panel and glared out at the 'nebula'. As he reached out to sink into his dark rumination, that mad song rang out over the bridge. "I love you, you love me... I love you, you love me." It faded as Sidious lost his focus and he turned to snarl at Vader. "Prepare a shuttle. I will observe this phenomena from closer up. There is great power outside this ship!"

"So why did Mr. Grim and Evil take Vader if he's so sure that Ol' Raspy's gone and turned on him," Han asked pointedly. T'Arath kept her eyes on the shuttle as she answered. "Let's just say he was 'inspired', Han. My father's people are touch - telepaths, yet I'm a bit more powerful." She turned as she heard a familiar eccentric laugh. "More powerful, yes. Able to sway minds, strong though they be," Yoda said. T'Arath bowed to the Jedi Master as she answered him. "As always, you are quite correct, Sensei."

"You Force-suggested the Emperor?" Obi-wan said in disbelief. A casual shrug was his answer. "Yep. Okay, ol' Pelpyfied's seen enough so here come the fireworks. This is gonna be good!" The shuttle was returning to the Executor after a short stint on its own. As it neared the Star Destroyer however, it's outer appearance changed. Instead of a _Lambda _class shuttle, it now looked exactly like the Millennium Falcon.

"Hey! Why my ship of all things?" Han yelled in outrage.

"Because I know the Falcon the best, Solo. Shuddup and watch the fun!" Inside the shuttle, the comm came to life. "Rebel ship, prepare to lower your shields and surrender. Or be destroyed." The emperor looked to Vader as the Dark Lord slammed his fist down on the comm control. "What is the meaning of this! You know full well who is on board this shuttle! Do not make me destroy you." Vader all but roared. But that was only on the surface, which Sidifoo could read.

_Mom! Of all the blasted Alliance ships you had to pick __that__ scrap-heap? _ Anakin sent to his mother in disgust and dismay. _ Oh stop it Ani! You sound as bad as Solo did just now. Besides, the Falcon's a good one. So just roll with it. _ Anakin grimaced under the mask. _Like I have a choice?_ he shot back as the comm sounded again. "You have 10 seconds Rebel ship, or we open fire." Palpatine snarled behind 'Vader' as he growled, "And they do not recognize your voice, Lord Vader?" "It appears the communications have been sabotaged, my master." Suddenly the Executor started firing.

"You may wish to strap yourself in, my master," 'Vader' said. Anakin was grinning behind the mask and for once was grateful that Palpypus couldn't see it. The shuttle whipped up and down and twirled like a roller-coaster on steroids as Anakin fought to get closer to the Executor. A tornado twist here, a stall up then a 90 degree turn out and down.. _ Hey Ani, try this one. I've pulled it myself and it always makes everyone go green_. T'Arath sent the basics of the maneuver and Anakin smirked. They had almost gotten close enough to the Executor to get on board. But why not.

"Lord Vader! Have you gone mad?" Sidifoo howled as his crazed apprentice sent them barreling towards the cannons on the Executor. With precise timing, 'Vader' shot past two sets as they fire on him, only to destroy themselves in the process. The shuttle bay was right ahead. "Shields..."was all the emperor could say. "Sorry, master," Anakin said shortly, exactly as he had to Obi-wan in the Battle of Coruscant. He felt the emperor's sharp glance at his back, but it was meditatively forgotten.

For Anakin pulled the same trick, flipping the shuttle end over end as if there was another ship next to them. As the shuttle fired at the shield generator, one wing was blown off. _ Oops, sorry Ani, got a little carried away. Just a bit more of a challenge yes? _T'Arath sent to him. _Try telling that to Pelpyfied! _Anakin sent back as the shuttle came crashing into the bay. The second it came to a stop the ramp lowered and 'Vader' walked down the ramp with silent menace as the Storm Troopers came running up. Following him, the emperor was a total mess. He shook from head to toe and was barely able to stand. His robe was liberally splattered with fluids, and the remains of his last meal.

_Welp, guess he's not such a great flyer after all. Can't even hold his lunch in a 'sticky situation' _ T'Arath's mental voice rang in her son's mind, laughter in the background.


End file.
